The “What If’s” and the Healing

Today on Facebook, I saw a post from a friend of mine from high school, welcoming his beautiful baby boy into the world (PS. super excited for him and his wife as they have also struggled and have waited patiently for their son). For some reason that prompted me to look at the date. Today, if Sarah would have made it to our due date, we would be celebrating her first birthday. But I am ok about it. It’s amazing what God’s grace and time can do for your healing heart. We no longer have the “what if” moments. We have complete acceptance. In the beginning it was so hard not to. We had to delete all the pregnancy apps on our phone that reminded us how far along we “should” be. Poor Whitney went through my email to delete any pregnancy emails that came through and he guarded the mailbox like a hawk to make sure I didn’t see the pregnancy and baby magazines that would come. Now, when I go to the mail and see a Pottery Barn Kids catalog….it doesn’t sting as badly. I actually have hope when I see those things. A hope that one day we will have children and maybe they can have some cute overpriced bedding just like I always pictured:) Ha!

Recently, a friend of mine went through a similar loss as us. My heart just broke. In my mind, I replayed what happened to us but it was so much easier. I pulled it together for her, who I knew was falling apart. She was me. Her husband was Whitney. I am sad that we didn’t get to raise Sarah but I am glad that we can help others through simliar situations. I wish I could fast forward time for my friend so she could feel the healing I feel. I promised her that it gets better…..and I wasn’t lying.

God has completely taken away my impatience and made me realize that everyday is a good day. Everyday is another day closer to our children. I realize that some of you may think that the adoption is taking forever, and it is, but we know our time will come. What an amazing feeling to let it all go and give it all to God. Giving up control is a VERY hard thing for me to do….but when I did it, it was the best feeling.

What are you holding on to that you could give up?

Love,

Tara

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